Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
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My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
“Great, now I have to pee.”
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Day 2 of my diet
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.