I learned about self care from watching my cat.
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve