Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
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Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth