The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*