ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet