4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
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MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”