me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
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*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
How it started: How it’s going:
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…