I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
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my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”