half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
You Might Also Like
I love you to the refrigerator and back
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
He wanted to make sure😂
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing