To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
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*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Thrilling chase underway
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
My life coach traded me.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll: