Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
This kid will have a bright future.
My new favorite headline
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.