The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
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[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.