6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
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Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all