I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
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Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
A fake ID that makes you younger
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times