The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
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“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues