Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
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my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.