The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
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trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
S/o to @funTweeters .
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach