We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
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me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you鈥檙e a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen鈥檚 show, who sees me walking onto ellen鈥檚 show*
both me鈥檚: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Doctor: I鈥檓 afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I鈥檓 gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
You know you鈥檙e a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn鈥檛 even a wait when she鈥檚 playing doctor
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Welcome to your forties, you鈥檙e now wondering why younger people are so dumb
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 饾槰饾槳饾槰饾槰饾槶饾槮
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It鈥檚 a cardigan.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now