Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
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My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
The point of your 20s
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
The fall of Netflix
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.