Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
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Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.