In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
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The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked