“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
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If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Oh deer
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening