In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
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The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Every work meeting this week
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*