Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
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*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
This January has 47 Mondays
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor