Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
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A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?