Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
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*seductively peels off lederhosen
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!