doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
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*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight