I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
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Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.