marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
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I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp