The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
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They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Squirrels before girls.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
just gave your address to some spiders
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!