It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
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It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
What’s so funny?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”