Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
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I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating