You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
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Oh yeah that’s it
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people