Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
You Might Also Like
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Last-minute gift idea!
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*