Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
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Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does