[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
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Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
cry laughing at this shit
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
So glad we cleared that up
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.