Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
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Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.