It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
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Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source