Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
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Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there