At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
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Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Very problematic
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
My current situation
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.