dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
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Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?