Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
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A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
PARKOUR
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE