I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
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Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.