When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
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Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[at the general store]
me: one general please
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night