Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
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how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
The devil.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Mad Max: Furry Road