I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
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This line from Airplane.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.