Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
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Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*