I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
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Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.