Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.