I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
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Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.